<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>The Diary of Mari Haustefort by MEL_155_A</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22699528">The Diary of Mari Haustefort</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MEL_155_A/pseuds/MEL_155_A'>MEL_155_A</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Final Fantasy XIV</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>But an addiction none the less, F/F, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Not quite drug addiction, Relapse, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 11:20:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,640</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22699528</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MEL_155_A/pseuds/MEL_155_A</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The daily diary of my FFXIV roleplay character, Mari Haustefort. Feel free to contact me on Balmung if you want :). I am going to post two days to each chapter, as sometimes I fall behind and write two days in a row.<br/>Content warnings: Addiction, Relapse, Violence, Suicidal ideation, Self harm</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. New Beginnings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>31st day, First Astral Moon:</strong>
</p><p>Got my fucking ass handed to me by approximately everyone last night. Pae just...ripped me open and calmly pointed out every single thing I have been refusing to acknowledge or deal with. Then Discordia just happily pointed out the exact same things from a different angle without even knowing what she was doing and even bloody Nathair and a complete stranger just told my useless ass that I need to actually work to change, that I need to actually do things. And they are right. I need to start, so in a list:</p><ul>
<li>I like feeling trusted, I like feeling like I have friends and a place to be.</li>
<li>To maintain those relationships, I need to be kinder. More open to what other people say, more accepting of different ways of being.</li>
<li>However that doesn't mean I will do whatever other people tell me to. I will still ultimately do what I think is best and accept the consequences.</li>
<li>A caveat to that is that I do need to think things through more. I need to think about consequences and unexpected outcomes, try to come up with multiple options before I decide on one course of action.</li>
<li>Change takes time and isn't easy. Even when it seems like it isn't worth it, like I have fucked up irrevocably, <em>I will not give in to despair</em>. I will keep trying.</li>
</ul><p>And you know what? Sorry Aunt Arlette, but fuck this, I am chopping off all this hair. Hopefully you actually are dead so that you don't see me and beat me into a coma.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>1st day, First Umbral Moon:</strong>
</p><p>I made a mistake. I already regret this. I look like an idiot. I am going to pray for both the Fury and the Navigator to destroy me because I am a complete idiot. That last bit on the list from yesterday? Already came true, trying to change myself is not worth it.</p><p>But unfortunately, I am just clever enough to recognize an apt metaphor when I see one. My hair will grow back, the dye will fade, it can eventually go back to what it was. No matter how different I feel now, that path isn't totally closed off, I can and always will be able to go back. I don't know if that is a comfort or something that makes me uneasy to be honest.</p><p>By the same token however, there are many thresholds that once crossed can never be re-entered. You could argue all thresholds are that way, since the act of making a decision and following through on it irrevocably changes you. You are now the person who did that and there is no way to erase it. Again, I am not sure if that is more comforting or upsetting.</p><p>Because I don't disagree with everything I used to do. Hells, I don't even disagree with <em>most</em> of what I did. The people I killed probably deserved to die, our petty little street wars pitted awful people against other awful people. And while "I was just following orders" is a pathetic attempt at an excuse, there are times for following orders. Times when things are confusing and dangerous and if you don't work together with the people around you, you will all end up dead. Having one leader, one plan that everyone follows is crucial.</p><p>The problem comes from the niggling little question of where that begins and ends. If you are endlessly at war, constantly looking over your shoulder for people trying to kill you or your friends, do you ever stop following orders? When is it ever okay to stop and go "Why?" But you need to at some point, particularly since it suits that kind of leader's needs to be constantly at war, to have you always afraid that questioning them will lead to your death or the death of someone else.</p><p>I still wonder what would have happened if I had just followed orders though. Stuck to the plan, really believed in "we all hang together, or we all hang separately". But I didn't, I looked around and couldn't even begin to believe that there was a good end.</p><p>Why am I so bad at following orders? The Holy See, Aunt Arlette, honestly even Kurai and the Meteor Corp, they might have been more benevolent than the first two but they still said "Quiet. Do your job, asking questions isn't your place." and I ended up telling all of them to fuck off.</p><p>And now here I am. Sitting in my room in the Wanderer's Hope, having been told to go become an actual person. Wait no, an <em>individual</em>. Not a collection of violent impulses strung together with anger and nihilism.</p><p>I was even given direct advice on how to do that. Make something, give back, don't just take. Think out loud about why a course of action may or may not be correct. Do what I am doing, asking questions of what I have done and believed. Confront fears and weaknesses, try to overcome them, don't give up if you fail.</p><p>So why do I still feel so confused?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Old Endings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>2nd day, First Umbral Moon:</b>
</p><p>I fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don't want to write this. Don't want to think about this which is real fucking inconvenient what with how it feels like I am never not thinking about it every moment of every fucking day.</p><p>fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck it okay Fine</p><p>To everyone but one single exception, and that is only because she was <em> there </em>, I claim that my many sins were the result of being too passive, too willing to let myself just follow orders and go with the flow, even when those orders seemed obviously wrong. This lie doesn't reflect well on me, but it does a decent job of covering up the truth. Because I was far from passive, in fact my acts that others find the most repulsive? They were the most active I had ever been.</p><p>I knew what I was doing as I butchered each person I had grown up with, every person who had trusted me. I wasn't tricked or lied to, I chose to hunt them down and kill them, of my own volition. </p><p>I justified it by saying that they had betrayed me first, leaving me isolated and alone when all I wanted was the comfort of friends and a partner but that was such a flimsy bit of nonsense that it falls apart under the slightest scrutiny. Turns out no one really just decides for no reason to reject someone they previously enjoyed being around. They didn't push me out, I started receding away and when they tried to pull me back in I bit, scratched, and clawed at them.</p><p>It's true things wouldn't have gotten as bad as they did if we hadn't been under siege, a noose tightening around us, all of us getting more and more anxious, less trusting. But my solution was plainly idiotic, Shark wasn't going to happily accept us in if we asked. She is actually the kind of monster I thought I had to be: someone who saw everyone as either a useful tool or something to be destroyed. She wanted us all dead, period, I might as well have been advocating we throw ourselves at the mercy of a winter storm.</p><p>These things all feel so obvious now, years later, but at the time I was so convinced I was correct. That if they wouldn't let me save them, then they could save me. That they were dead no matter what, so I might as well profit from that outcome.</p><p>If I have been too passive in my recent history, it was only because I was working too hard to correct a deep arrogance that had turned me into no more than a blindly thrashing beast, striking at everything near me in anger and despair. I won't apologize for doing that.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>3rd day, First Umbral Moon:</b>
</p><p>Gave my first bit of carving to Pae today before the meeting Farah called. She seemed to like it, and it was a good feeling to give it to her. I expected it to be stressful, that every mistake and imperfection would weigh on me, but I found it remarkably relaxing. Definitely going to do more of that in the future. </p><p>The meeting was...interesting. Farah's plan is, well, I am not it's biggest supporter let's say. The initial stages are overly complicated, we lack quite a lot of information that might prove vital, and our exit strategy is basically a shrug. I would be more receptive to the argument that gathering more information would be time consuming and difficult, but it doesn't seem like we are fighting any sort of clock. The others seemed reasonably happy with the plan as outlined though, and it is relatively low risk, so I guess I can't complain too much. I am coming along as support basically, so I can just do my best to keep my eyes open and watch for things going off the rails.</p><p>Still thinking about that night, and what led to it. I can't believe I was so stupid as to let a failed relationship and a spurned crush fuel so much anger. Sitting here now, I can see it for what it was: me and Saseh were terrible for each other, Sass realized it before I did, and then Noixaux was more interested in being my friend then my partner.</p><p>But at the time by the Twelve, I was convinced there was more to it than that, that Sass and Nyx must have been getting together behind my back, that they must be laughing at how stupid I was not to realize it. When all our friends started talking about how good they were together, I decided that they were in on it too. That this was a grand conspiracy woven entirely to hurt me. It sounds so utterly ridiculous now, and even at the time it was completely fact and evidence free, but that didn't stop it from feeling so incredibly real at the time.</p><p>I am not saying that heartbreak alone drove me to betrayal and murder, I am not a complete idiot or monster. But the more I think about it? The more that seems like it was the initial wedge that started driving me away from everyone else. There were a thousand more things after that, a decent chunk of them probably my fault, but it feels like that is where it started. Or maybe I am just trying to justify the amount of time and energy I spent internally screaming and raging about it.</p><p>I would be more worried about repeating history with Feenal and Discordia, but neither one of them has shown the slightest interest in each other and Feenal has been the one pursuing me, which has been...nice.</p><p>Or was nice I guess I should say. It has been almost three weeks since we last saw him or heard from him. I have just kind of accepted that he has died in some ancient ruin or came to his senses and realized that I am the last person he should ever be interested in. Combined with Discordia's extremely nice let down when I hit on her during the Velvet's Valentione celebration, I don't have anything to worry about I guess. Gods that was stupid, but I was drunk on gin and loneliness, so bad decisions were to be expected.</p><p>I would pray to the Navigator to help me find someone but I don't particularly want Her to laugh at me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Relationships</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>4th day, First Umbral Moon:</b>
</p><p>
  <em> ELEZEN MEN ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME </em>
</p><p>I will be struck dead and my tombstone will read: "Here lies Mari Haustefort. She was taken before her time because Elezen Men Exist."</p><p>And pilgrims from all across the world will travel to my grave, and pray for relief because they too have fallen in love with a tall, graceful, impossibly beautiful boy who broke their hearts and <em> yet they still need him more than anything </em></p><p>Just fuck! I feel like I am beginning to over use that word in this journal but FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK <em> FUCK FUCK FUCK </em></p><p>I spend the last few days sighing and moping in my room, forcing myself to accept that the only person who has ever pursued me and made me feel good about it was gone but, who knows what the future may hold! I have more friends then I have in a long time, I am starting to actually maybe have a vision of myself that I am not ashamed of. Don't need a partner right now, things are changing enough as it is. Focus on yourself right now Mari.</p><p><em> AND THEN A FUCKING LETTER FROM HIM JUST SHOWS UP THIS AFTERNOON. </em>Just as casual as you please, "I am sorry, I got trapped in the Great Gubal Library for a while, but I am back! I can't wait to converse with you again I am very polite and kind and warm and make you feel like maybe someone could care about and love you, you know normal stuff!"</p><p>And immediately I am right back where I started! Composing and decomposing letters, thinking about what I will wear to the Velvet at the next open bar night, dreaming of taking a walk under the stars and him gently kissing me because <em> apparently I am a very silly school girl and not someone who can kill without any hesitation. </em></p><p>Gods, what is wrong with me and why do I feel this way??? He could be someone buttering me up to get close to STORM, or me and Piper, or just a generic con man, any one of a dozen ulterior motives! I know that that is almost certainly what this is! I pulled a knife on him as a joke the first night we met! That isn't the kind of thing that makes people go "Ah yes, she is a very stable and interesting person to engage with"! I do it deliberately to scare people because I think it's funny!</p><p>But clearly whatever is left of my wits have taken leave because there is no caution bubbling up in me, just a happy, buzzing feeling. Like I am going to giggle so much that I start floating.</p><p>Dear future me, I am so sorry. I am so so sorry that I was weak and stupid and left you with a huge mess to clean up and a utterly ruined heart. Because I am apparently going to roll the dice on this one.</p><p>I really should figure out what I am going to wear.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>5th day, First Umbral Moon:</b>
</p><p>Spent the day training, making sure my accuracy hadn't loosened too much. Cooled down with some conjuring meditation practice, and carved a bit. Have a wolf I have been working on.</p><p>If I never learn anything more from Piper, the meditations alone will have been worth it. Centering myself, then reaching out from my core and connecting to things outside of and bigger than myself. I can understand the Padjal's awe of the Elementals now, even if that is no excuse for their tyrannical nonsense.</p><p>I still can't get the earth to respond to me yet. Not properly at least, if I have to I can wrench some out and force it to obey me. But I can't get it to flow within me, can't make it lend me it's strength and stability. Piper keeps chiding me, telling me that I need to learn to <em> cooperate </em>with the earth, that it is impossible to truly dominate it. I have to bite my tongue every time, because whenever I begin connecting to the earth beneath me, it feels like it is trying to push back, force me out, like I am repellent to it. How can I cooperate with something that refuses to let me even get near it without muscling my way in?</p><p>The childish part of me wants to just move onto the second triad of elements, but I know that mastering these three now will significantly ease my ability to master those, especially since my starting point was wind.</p><p>I bet Piper would smack me in the back of the head if she read me whining like this. Good thing that she can't heh.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Breaking</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>6th day, First Umbral Moon:</b>
</p><p>He didn't come. He didn't promise he would or something so I knew it was possible he wouldn't come. I thought it most likely he wouldn't come even. Tempered every hope and quieted every silly fantasy. So why does it still hurt so much? Gods, I swear I felt like I was about to cry in the middle of the bar towards the end of the night. I can't remember the last time I cried at all, let alone in public, it must have been when I still lived in Ishgard. </p><p>I don't understand what has taken root in me. Why can't I just rip this out and throw it away? Why am I so intent on nurturing this thing that just <em> hurts </em>? Even if he does show up again one day and it is everything I want, how long before he disappears for an unknown length of time again? Am I to just forever wait on him? Who have I become that I would even consider that?</p><p>There is a part of me snarling, angry that someone has this kind of power over me. Demanding that I cut his heart out and show it to him, return the hurt. I could give in to it, Gods I <em> want </em> to give into it. Feel the thrum of my <b>blood</b> in my ears as I <b>chase. </b> As I <b>find</b> and <b>tear into</b>. </p><p>[Several wet splotches appear on the page at this point, and an ink stain from a pen being left resting on the page.]</p><p>I am <em> not that person. </em> I am <em> NOT. </em> <b> <em>I AM NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE.</em> </b></p><p>[A thick crimson stain appears here]</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>7th day, First Umbral Moon:</b>
</p><p>Ran into Tater well taking a walk on the grounds, got into a nice conversation about books. I ended up loaning him my copies of the Element series, the Conjuring series, History of Gridania, my remaining non-first edition History of Gelmorra, and Conjuring Styles. He seemed very enthusiastic about reading them, I am honestly looking forward to an opportunity to discuss them with him in the future. It has been a long time since I had someone to talk to about what I have been reading, and now I am almost overwhelmed by them. If there is a future for me here at least.</p><p>Need to track down Oats, find out if we need  to alter my dosage or something. I'll have to tell Piper, she deserves to know after all the horseshit she has put up with from me. </p><p>Fuck. Fuck fuck <em> fuck </em></p><p>I need to talk to people about this. I can't keep avoiding it, if I actually care about them like I say I do. I have to talk to them about this, because last night I woke up in a random tree in the Goblet, with no idea of how I got there. The only blood on me appeared to be from where I bit through my lip last night and a bunch of random cuts and scrapes, so presumably I got myself somewhat under control. All that means though is that I got incredibly lucky. Every other time I have blacked out like that, I woke up drenched and most of it wasn't mine.</p><p>Luckily it was still before dawn so I was able to wash my face off and sneak back into the Hope to heal myself and get a little sleep. Still feel incredibly stiff, living inside has obviously made me soft. That or the relapse of the screaming bloodlust inside of me was somewhat hard on my body. Who could possibly say?</p><p>If I wasn't a coward I would drink one of my poison vials.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Broken</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>8th day, First Umbral Moon:</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It's getting worse. I was walking to the Post Moogle in Ul'dah to try and contact Oats, when the thick, cloying smell of fear hit me. I froze up, desperately hoping that this was a hallucination, but when I turned towards the smell, I saw a pair of heavies shaking down some poor merchant. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It could have been a coincidence, I would guess that at any given moment in Ul'dah that scene is probably playing out in a dozen places, so the likelihood of a random period of hallucination lining up like that is actually probably pretty high. But throw in what happened yesterday too and it is all just a bit too close together to be happenstance.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>How in the </span>
  <em>
    <span>hells</span>
  </em>
  <span> is this happening? I didn't do anything to set it off, and I was only ever able to smell fear or anger when I was deep, deep in. The night I was uselessly angsting like a fool makes a bit of sense, I just realized too late exactly how strong the emotions I was feeling were, and that was anything in them other than sadness. But even then I have only ever blacked out and lost control like that when I was already in the red and slipped. I fuck</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fuck, obviously, I always feel the itch. It's always there, just in the back of my mind, the screaming desire to </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurt</span>
  </em>
  <span>. To chase someone down, see pain and terror filling their eyes. The desperate desire to </span>
  <b>hunt</b>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fuck no no no no no Not thinking about it not thinking about it</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>[A large ink blotch appears here]</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Okay. Meditated for a while. Let myself feel the wind, the water in the little pond in the garden. The...it's still there. I can feel it in me, but it is quieter now. As always Piper, fuck you for being right. Gods, I can hear her cackling even though she is probably a thousand malms or more away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Meditating gave me some time to sort through things too. Obviously it has never left me, the entire point was that it would be bound to my being. Potions and herbs have to be eaten, then you have to wait for the effects to begin, and additionally they can be taken </span>
  <em>
    <span>away </span>
  </em>
  <span>from you. I would have to lose every drop of blood in my body for it to be gone, and at that point I am not worrying about much.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, obviously it can still affect me, </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>still affecting me. Strong emotion has always been able to set it off unintentionally, nothing new there either. Experiencing some effects, but not others, without any kind of trigger as far as I can tell? That is new and very, very scary. I don't understand <em>how</em>, it's on or off, you don't get to pick and choose what parts you experience. It just <em>doesn't work that way</em>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The only guesses I have are something to do with the medication Oats is giving me, possibly mixed with some combination of me refusing to give it what it wants. Like when you leave the lid on a pot of water you are boiling too long and things begin to spill over. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Though, I am the only person I know of who has lived this long with the red. It is not like there were many people who even knew about Toegrael's experiments, never mind letting her experiment on </span>
  <em>
    <span>them</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I guess I don't know where all of them ended up, but most of us ended up dead within a few years of taking it. A handful were still kicking around before I had to leave Limsa, but I have personally killed two of them now, and I have trouble believing the remaining are alive if they stayed there. If they didn't, they are probably hiding like me, making it difficult to ask them to sit down and compare notes about any long term effects they have noticed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I am beginning to think that having a maniac put an ancient blood curse on me that was designed to create a semi-controllable berserk rage might have been a bad idea.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>9th day, First Umbral Moon:</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I am still getting worse. Woke up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and I would have sworn to both the Fury and the Navigator that I had ripped someone's throat out with my teeth. But the blood I was absolutely sure was covering my face, coating my mouth, </span>
  <em>
    <span>my throat</span>
  </em>
  <span>, none of it was actually there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Packed up my essentials to move out of the Hope. I am leaving my five books behind as a promise to myself that I will come back, because I don't want to leave. But the best case scenario if I stay is rapidly becoming "Go off in the middle of the day so that someone can kill me before I hurt anyone."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I am going to miss the garden, the little platform attached to that tree and the pond nearby. Practicing on the training dummies, listening to Rhoe and Mede sweep around the estate chatting about paperwork. Gods, I should have left that first night, what if I had stumbled across Mede doing late night chores? She just screams </span>
  <em>
    <span>prey</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I would have pounced immediately.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe something would have twigged as "friend", made me stop. Maybe that </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> what happened and why I woke up in the tree. That is a nice thought, but not one I can rely on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I don't have a choice, I have to go. Me being somewhat sad or missing the comforts of a place that was becoming a home is a very small price to pay to make sure I don't hurt anyone. Staying would be essentially making the decision to put everyone else at risk, might as well just pick up some weapons and start kicking down doors if I am going to do that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sent the letter to Oats, here is hoping she actually responds. Sent a letter to Rhoe too, and immediately regretted it, but it was the right thing to do. Because if someone has to put me down? I want it to be her. It feels like she is the person most likely to be able to do it with a kindness. I should consider sending a letter to Discordia too, she could do it. Maybe not with the kind of care Rhoe would, but beggars and choosers. Farah is a possible option, but she is frankly terrifying. I am ranking my friends as possible executioners. Gods, I am fucked up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>However, the only reason I even have this problem is because I didn't consign myself to the hells long ago. When I think back on everything I have done, how miserable I have been, how much fear and pain I have spread.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I should have been next to my parent's when the dragon's fire swept over them. Should have thrown myself off the Foundation when I wasn't. Should have let myself bleed out after Piper stabbed me. Given in during the long year after that. So many opportunities to </span>
  <em>
    <span>stop</span>
  </em>
  <span>, to let go, but every time I turned away like the coward I am. Every time I made the choice to stay alive, to keep hurting others, to keep taking because I was scared.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I don't deserve to live. Hopefully Rhoe or someone else will see that.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Exhausted</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>11th day, First Umbral Moon:</b>
</p>
<p>Only got a response from Oats. She wanted to know what exactly had happened, what my symptoms were, the usual. I told her as best I could, but seeing as I had spent significant portions of the relevant time periods blacked out, <em> which is what I initially wrote </em> , I don't quite understand <em> what the fuck she expects from me.  </em></p>
<p>Fuck why am I so angry about this, she is trying to help and the answer was obvious as soon as I wrote that. I am such a useless idiot.</p>
<p>Sent a letter back, she wanted me to stop by her warehouse to see her in person, but I am not interested in taking that risk. Even if the potential for going off is low, any chance of hurting or killing the person who is making the biggest effort to help me is too much. Will stop by the Post Moogle again tonight, see if she sends anything back.</p>
<p>I have been having light bouts of vertigo throughout the day, which seem to presage a later bout of rage. It is almost welcome, having a bit of warning before I feel like I need to shed blood lets me prepare. I can center myself, focus and fight off the urge before it builds too much.</p>
<p>The constantly shifting nature of my affliction is beginning to worry me more than the rampant desire to maim and kill however. With the latter, I have found ways to hold it back, push it down. If things keep changing on me, how can I be sure that enough of my mind will remain my own so that I will be <em> able </em> to fight it? Maybe I will black out one day, and something else will permanently take control over my body. A thing that doesn't want or need, except for the endless, thudding rhythm of the hunt. If I was younger, I would have faced that idea with no more or less horror than the thought of dying, because it is all the same for me, but now? The image of the people who I have befriended seeing something that looked and sounded like me but stared at them with the glinting, flint eyed gaze of a predator feels more horrifying than any death.</p>
<p>Maybe that utterly primal fear will keep me safe. The rage and desire to chase is a thing that comes from very deep within as well, maybe the two will keep each other in check. As always, things like this are a nice thought, but I am not going to rely on it. Going back into town now, hopefully some sort of update from Oats will be waiting.</p>
<p>There was in fact another letter. She agreed with me that meeting might be a risk, and so requested I give her a meet-up point for her to send a mammet to. She is going to alter the tonic and then have one of her clockwork companions deliver it to me, so that the only thing I have a chance to hurt will be more easily repaired than a flesh and blood creature.</p>
<p>I just have to pray this will prove enough for me to stabilize a bit more, so that I can be around others enough to ask for help.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>12th day, First Umbral Moon:</b>
</p>
<p>Received the altered tonic from the mammet. Took a dose and as far as I can tell, all Oats did was increase the amount of tranquilizer in it, which I guess makes sense as an immediate fix. It means I am having problems staying focused on things though, I feel light headed and weak any time I don’t want to slash and tear my way into someone, as this strengthened tonic has done nothing to abate the red, just dull my ability to act on its’ impulses.</p>
<p>Maybe this is the best I can hope for. A cloud of sedation and exhaustion, keeping me too feeble to run someone down and put an arrow through their leg so that I can look them in the eyes and see their terror. What a miserable thought.</p>
<p>Went to a few libraries I know of to research any information about the city of Mhach I could find. They were the source of the original blood curse, so maybe some key to relieving it is hidden in whatever scholars have been able to dig up on them. However, the fact that the Mhachi lived somewhere around 1500 years ago, and most evidence of them was wiped from existence during the war between them and Amdapor means this a useless, stupid hope. But, those are all I have left to me now.</p>
<p>Ended up having to stop in a bar on the way home to rest and avoid collapsing on the road. The Moogle’s Cup? No, the Mog and Mug, I remember because the alliteration made me roll my eyes. Why do bar owners always feel the need to make the name of their establishment “cute”?</p>
<p>Anyroads, ran into the stranger I talked to a couple weeks ago in the Velvet, Grant I think his name was. Off handedly mentioned that I was feeling rather sick these days as explanation for my obvious exhaustion, and then after he left, the waitress took an interest in me, particularly after I tried to leave and collapsed back onto the couch I had been sitting on.</p>
<p>It must have been the tonic loosening my tongue, because I ended up dumping large portions of my current situation on her as she worried over me. She said that she would ask around for information on Mhach and curse breaking, and forward any information she found to me. Gave her the address of the Hope for this purpose, though I failed to get her name. I guess I will blame that oversight on the tonic as well. I will have to visit there again when I have the chance in order to properly introduce myself and thank her.</p>
<p>I have to go to the Pickle and tell the others about my situation tomorrow. Hopefully they won’t react the way I would.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>